DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.