other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
This January has 47 Mondays
Pizza is an emotion right?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“