Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Watermelon Boss!
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]