Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”