Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?