If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
we’re gonna need another temp
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*