Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I鈥檒l stick to being human
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
mechanics be like
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that鈥檚 what a vampire would ask.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it鈥檚 Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can鈥檛 miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He鈥檚 picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He鈥檚 hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN鈥橳 SEE HIM!!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won鈥檛 approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I have gray hair where I didn鈥檛 even know I had hair
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.