ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process