interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.