the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost