I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
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Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Omg 🤣
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid