So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”