A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”