My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 馃槒
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
cop: we鈥檙e investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don鈥檛 know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
don鈥檛 you dare tell me journalism is dead
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they鈥檙e bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
am i feeling hopeful about the future?