Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.