I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The glory of fall.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
britain’s three elite institutions
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.