Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Free him
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.