What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking