[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!