The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.