God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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Netflix and you sit over there.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I wish this was real life…
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.