Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Spider-cat: No One Home
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.