Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.