Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
You Might Also Like
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
is nasa ok
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?