[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?