[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.