Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop