at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
You can’t outrun your problems…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Seas the day!!!!
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.