Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
gentlemen, hear me out
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The news in a nutshell.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter