Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
#dnd #ttrpg
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.