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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me too door. Me too.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
What’s a Messi?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.