My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Wednesday
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!