I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Worst perfume name ever.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
How it started: How it’s going:
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?