When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Pretty much! 😂👀
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself