‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.