If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you