“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.