Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”