Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
They’re really bad with fonts.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining