If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”