Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
You Might Also Like
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!