When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really