I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
A new level of troll.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
What my back needs
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY