MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”