I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”