Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
smartest karate player in the world
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.