Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
me: my friends:
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?