You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.