M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….