Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
a lot to unpack here
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.